don't know

i don't know but i want to know. i don't know but i should know. i don't know but i think i know. i don't know and i don't know what that is that i don't know. if this sounds familiar, then i'm not alone and that makes me feel a little bit better. feeling better is necessary for me right now. i've been depressed again. things are changing and they're changing too fast for me to keep up with the changes. i'm not in control and it's all really huge obstacle for my body and my mind and my immune system. i am getting sick again. this all sounds like bad news- i know- but it's not- it's not because i don't know why it's happening this fast and i don't know what is going to happen next- and i when i'm okay with not knowing, i'm happier- open and less fixated on my opinions about stuff. which by the way, i have many of those. i think i know so much more than i actually do and what is worse, i keep thinking that knowing more about what i already know will be useful- in reality, it's the cause of my current state of mind- which is far from serene. in my writing i concluded that the needing to know was the problem. the cultivating of acceptance in not knowing is actually the best suggestion passed along to me by someone really wise. for today i don't have to make decisions about anything. i only get to show up as best i can- and send everyone love while i'm at it.

nowhere to go

I often need to be reminded that my process is my own and i need not judge it, as it serves no purpose. i also really pay mind to honoring my place and being exactly where i may find myself in whatever moment that is. whether I'm contracting or expanding. either positive or negative emotions come up- and i pay attention and observe. i check in with my body and trace the root of the feelings. my entire physiological experience, then takes the space to do whatever it chooses and that is that. tonight though, after a long meditation, i had an intuitive thought-more like a reminder, but kind of like an awareness. i can even go as far as to say that some bit of information was realized in such a way that it raised my level of consciousness to a higher degree. on the surface i already knew this information but it became acutely evident that knowing can always take a deeper connotation when it's actualized in the physical sense. the truth is, let's say- for that moment, made a cameo appearance in my range of vision and i understood for once that i have no where to go. yes, it's true- we're on a path- it's yours and mine and we share the road and we get separated but in the grand scheme of it all- we're not going anywhere. life is fleeting and people enter and exit- we rise and fall and expand and contract and there is activity and energy flowing and there are agreements and disagreements but ultimately we have have no where to go. no destination. sure it's cyclical in form and the momentum creates phases, giving rise to evolution and devolution- transition and consistency- normalcy and disturbances but really- here it is. this is it. there is no end and no beginning and we're all just in one big sphere of light and dark and hot and cold and there is a prism and a range in between the coordinates but it's all meaningless and in the big picture we're just tiny little dots.

nothing changed but everything is different

some of the details of my life are in varying degrees of dissolution- i'm raising the bar. no, i've raised the bar. things have shifted into a new perspective and new experiences continue to emerge. people come and people go- the cyclical nature of my patterns is evident. yet, i mourn no loss. from a distance, i commemorate those who i won't engage with anymore. i did have a burst of an ache in my chest today as i thought of suzie vleck- she brought some smiles and a tiny bit of nostalgia as the memory of her passed through my sphere. other than that- there is a considerable amount of space between me and the previous primary figures in my life and though i sense them in the substratum of my days, they're merely in recollections that descend and ascend and fly away swiftly. for the first time ever i think, i can discern between who i want to invite in and those i choose to release-it's because i love myself and maybe just because. see, my mind lives in my heart, when i can help it. gratefully, my brain does much of the work to keep my faculties in tact. also, i'm riding on higher doses of serotonin, peace and serenity visit more than ever and i'm allowing myself to enjoy every minute of it. i started a new job. that's exciting! my days are filled with constructive plans that i execute so that another individual can focus on her creative expansion. she is wonderful. she is sensible and smart and we share similar traits. we are compatible. i hear her, she hears me and i get paid to be me. i'm happy.

what is what

i exist in dreamlike dimension, where reality is based on objective perceptions that are merely fleeting illusions. the facts hide from my vision and what i see that remains are mostly opinions. theories exposed to me as truths and i resist what is real and allow what is false. there's nothing existential about my condition, though that's how it registers. words don't make any sense unless i'm actually paying attention. there is no linear explanation for these moments that are all tied into the span of a very long day. subjective assessments form a shape of normalcy while maintaining an abstract capacity. confusion and cohesion go hand in hand and i feel a sense of purpose in it all. though purpose is not feeling, it's a state of mind.
the various stages of this development are easiest to comprehend when i refer to those who have spent entire lifetimes documenting their own process. beliefs and ideas seem immaterial at times because what matters most to me the nature of their expression. my resources are not limited and i'm seeing that clearly now. i have chosen every second of my state but i have yet to master it. so much discipline must be in place and my skill level is that of a feral cat. useful in some respects but quite counter productive in others. i'm easily distracted. it's become rather apparent just how destructive i can be. only one thing, it seems can correct my tendencies and that is focus. meditation helps with that.

over exposed and askew

no amount of honesty within each entry will overthrow self judgment or potential regret . I've come to experience the wide range of emotions that arise after each declaration. Even if it's a passing thought or a supposition, my mind second guesses each contribution and negates all validity. if this is what it means to be a writer, then i'm glad i'm not choosing to become one. i am doing this all for fun.

I had aspirations of becoming a writer when I was much younger. I had so many stories to tell.....

settings and preferences

i'm here. haven't left. decided to re-visit this blog once again. not sure i can actually make a clean separation. lately it's been all about separation for me. coincidentally, i'm allowing the universe to steer me in whatever direction i'm meant to be in. i don't know half the time if i'm actually supposed to be doing what i'm doing when i'm doing it but i'm pretty familiar with the misery that only resistance brings.

so, as natasha mentioned, life is fabulous and it's hard not to see it when it's glaring in my face. although, i have been down about certain separations that were necessary, on the other hand, my world continually opens up everyday with new people to meet and new experiences to be had.
the picture to the right is an image that my friend Nigel made after he took a photo of my tattoo! Isn't it sweet? well, i agree. between him and a few other friends who i am grateful for, i have much to be happy about.

those that have currently fallen away have also presented me with the opportunity to see myself from different angles. i'm seeing those unfavorable personality characteristics that are revealed through interactions with some people and it makes me a little sad, i have to say. whether or not this is true or false, i am convinced that i am of greater service to said people by making an exit from their lives, rather than staying. not to say that the decisions are permanent. in fact, i'm not in the habit of cutting people off and out. especially at this stage in my life! however, my sole intention is to get really honest with myself about my expectations of others. basically, if i continually find that the people i am engaging with, let me down in one way or another, it's up to me to change- not them. sometimes that change requires that i give myself space and time to let go of my excessive demands and not make others accountable for how i feel. so in a sense i'm going through a massive purification process and it's a little challenging, but it's also bringing a lot of perspective. the narrow views that make me at odds with those around me have a way of bubbling to the surface and i'm super happy to be able to identify them.

Welcome Elle's fabulous life~!

Natasha was not happy to hear that this blog is primarily dedicated to discussions regarding heartbreak, emotional processes and psychological pathologies. In her opinion, and I trust her opinion very much, I should be writing about my fabulous life! She suggested I abandon this blog all together. The thought of moving in a different direction sounds fantastic, except that I am not so sure that I will have sufficient content. I mean, between here and facebook, there is already enough for me to sort through. It's bad enough that my friend Nick gently pointed out to me that I am one of those annoying facebook users that clogs the news feed with my nonsense all day long. No, my feelings aren't hurt by that. Nick makes a good point. I am aware that I spend too much time facebooking and I plan to make an exist soon. It's just that for now, I love numbing out on facebook. I've been a bit manic and obsessive and I like the fact that facebook is a legal drug that encourages me to feed my ego and narcissism all day long.. Although Nick makes a valid point, I simply don't agree that anyone is actually paying attention to me. I mean, and if they are, they can either read my posts, watch my videos or just 'hide' my feed! Others have options and I do too! Well, how we got in the topic of facebook is beyond me, so I guess I will now conclude with my original point... I'll be starting a new, different blog- which I will maintain on a regular basis. and the point of that new endeavor is to commemorate my fabulous life. no pressure.