connect the dots

A psychologist suggested I volunteer as a case study for additional treatment of my codependency. She said I needed help. I'd spoken to her at length about my involvement with John. I revealed the details of this obsessive enmeshment and asked her for professional feedback/opinion/suggestion. I am not her patient. We have mutual friends in common and we randomly bumped into each other at an event. She was kind enough to accompany me to a coffee shop. There she listened to me talk about me and about John and about John & I- for what felt like hours. I took her advice and read "Desire" by Susan Cheever. "Codependent no more" had been recommended by other friends (countless times) and I finally purchased the audio cd's and listened. Both resources were super helpful and I definitely feel more willing than ever to continue and avail myself of the help that exists.

The best way to lock in an evaluation at Columbia University and NYU, is to prove that I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Yikes! I seem to recall an instance where John was told by our couples therapist that I suffered from that. Maybe he even recommended a book for me to read. I forget..? At this time, I'm still waiting to hear back to see if they're able to accept my participation.

I found myself searching the Clinical Trials Website posts for additional studies conducted in New York. As I scanned the interminable logs, I miraculously found a 'Premenstrual Syndrome' listing! This was a revelatory find. Not because I was ignorant of the fact that my pms was one of the root causes the emotional instability that seemed to drive the drama between John and I-- I mean, I had some knowledge in the matter. In fact, it was an obvious and important detail that we both took into account on numerous occasions. What was illuminated to me from this study, is that this is a true, honest to god, problem! It's not a concept that we manufactured in our brains to let me off the hook for raging behavior. (which is something I've suspected all along) A wave of relief washed over me when I read the detail description below:

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). PMDD affects nearly 5 percent of menstruating women in the United States. This disorder is very disruptive and can affect a woman's performance at work and her relationships with friends and family. Symptoms typically occur 10 to 14 days before the start of a woman's period and dissipate soon after. Sadness, rapid changes in mood, anxiety, and irritability are common symptoms associated with PMDD.

clinicaltrials.gov

Although I feel as though I've turned a corner in the last few days, I am not ignorant to the cyclical nature of these experiences. I'd like to conclude this blog with 'the notion that I lived happily ever after' and kick off the following post on a new topic. But we'll see when that actually happens.... Feelings, opinions and thoughts are always changing. However, the process of healing is not one I can expedite according to my schedule. I just get to be in this continuous process of learning and growing.