i did and then i didn't.

something really stubborn about my passion that comes to view everything as really urgent. nothing matters- that's really the best way for me to come back to the earth. it's not to be cynical or sarcastic. it's just that really- in the moment when it counts, like now- nothing matters. i'm all tangled up about the recent revelations that i posted yesterday. my need to be vulnerable and imperfect and real is not easy. i'd be satisfied committing to a single claim and working my way in, through your hearts, but that's just not going to work for me. my process involves contradictions, lot's of paradoxes, insights and many many more absurdities. I know, I know, I run the risk of being nominated for the next best blogger or getting an audience that 'follows' me but that's fine by me. I'm just here to write whatever is current and sometimes that's messy and incoherent with some redundant thought patterns and strange inconsistencies. typographical errors can be remedied but grammar is a little more challenging.
ok, so i was obsessing about yesterdays post. i was afraid that if anyone who knows me that read my post might tell my ex about what they interpreted based on my writing. and so i was going to delete it. but then i didn't. i don't really need to worry because A. it doesn't matter. B. it doesn't matter and c.-- ok, you know where this is going. the fact of the matter is that i'm sad and i'm sick of being sad. my brain does it's thing and my heart is angry. it's my job to tend to my heart and protect it by allowing it to open but these days it's like prying it open. so anyway, the idea that i only think of awful things regarding this person is ok. it's a way for me to keep him away from entering my sphere ever again. i'm in too much pain to try to forget it just so i can be the bigger, the more spiritually evolved one in this- i'll let him be compassionate and soft- he can do all that work for him, meanwhile I just deal with my love of self. basically, i'm assuming. i don't know what the f- he is feeling but i can guarantee you that he is doing more productive things with his time than posting on blogs that noone will ever read. it doesn't matter.