I had a dream last night. Pete was in it. In my dream, Pete shows up now, as an adult and he is warm and sweet as he always was and we are reunited- he doesn't leave, he is here for good he just fades into the background until I wake up. Then I am reminded that it was just a dream and I am left with that feeling of safety and security, coupled with a trace of sadness that he is not in my life. He stays with me throughout the day, however and I begin to long for that quality of companionship in my life. I am reminded of my friends.
Today I have a friend who is very close to me. He is sweet and caring like Pete. He is thoughtful and considerate and listens to me. I suspect he is a better friend to me, than I am to him. We average several dinners a week. There is no romance there either, only an authentic interaction between two adults. I am struck by how lucky I am to have people in my life that accept and love me.
Today I have a friend who is very close to me. He is sweet and caring like Pete. He is thoughtful and considerate and listens to me. I suspect he is a better friend to me, than I am to him. We average several dinners a week. There is no romance there either, only an authentic interaction between two adults. I am struck by how lucky I am to have people in my life that accept and love me.
Concurrently, I'm in the process of recovering from a long term relationship that has finally dissolved. The break-up has been occupying my brain longer than I'd like to admit. The relationship was a typical 'on /off' type scenario. Fueled by toxicity and drama (as most usually are). Of love, safety and companionship, I can't account for either. I also can't seem to recall a single experience with this man, where I rested in a state of warmth and hope at length. On the contrary, I only recall bitter arguments, loud words, fear, manipulation and anxiety. As my mind scrambles to find a reason for this union and re-union, I am bewildered. I become yet more angry at the sight of yet still more unrest between us. The details of my experience with John (the ex) seem irrelevant to me now. However, the stories relentlessly persist to get my attention. I become tired. I am exhausted from giving these thoughts any credence. The reminder that I am no longer with this person is of no consolation to me either. Part of what has been revealed to me over and over again is that he is not accountable for my state of being- one way or another. Yet, this insight doesn't help to quell that anger that resides in me. I also have a deep understanding that my brain is on auto pilot and it's primary job is to make sense of my feelings and that is why it makes up stories. These stories introduce an antagonist and a protagonist. One is he and I am the other. We switch roles- back and forth we go. I am bad and he is good, he is bad and I am good. I start out being good but I turn bad when he does this or the other TO ME and I then I did this and that-you get the idea! --and that is why it is the way it is. The narrative continues, I say more mean things to him out loud and he responds in such a way that makes me feel this-that and the other. The dialogue goes on and on and on. I've learned to summon my inner referee and disperse these thoughts in the direction of NOW. Bringing my awareness to what is happening outside my brain and paying attention to the present moment is the best way for me to distract myself from my-self. I learned to track my thoughts and feelings in meditation a few years ago. I learned to lean into my feelings and detach from the thoughts. These days it's a full time job. I am at the point where I have many books that keep my mind occupied and I have also collected enough audio books so I'd have something useful to listen to when I am in the throws of that self created darkness.
So... what's the relationship between my dreams and the break-up? Well, as I mentioned, I have been reading a lot and listening to audio books. I've been conducting further investigation on the topic of human behavior with regards to "love." I have spent a few years in therapy, with and without John- I am also exposed to more non-conventional forms of looking at life by way of 'recovery' and 'spirituality'- and yet, I feel as though this pattern that I continue to call in, seems out of context.
Why, if I am so aware, so willing to grow, so guided by a power greater than myself, do I continually engage and disengage from this particular relationship that is so evidently destructive? What is it about this particular person that draws me in and makes me want more? Well, what I have come to understand very clearly is that I am in the process of developing a relationship with myself. At least, that's the most simple way for me to put it. In other words, Pete is an archetype and John is an archetype too. They each represent parts of myself. I have been at odds with each of them my entire life, in one way or another. Furthermore, Pete's cousin, is also an archetype. None of my archetypes have anything to do with the real people. I may not even know them for who each of them really is! I have met John and Pete and his cousin, yes. I have engaged with them and I have some knowledge about each of them that separates one from the other. There are some glaring differences between each of them that I can recognize, discern and understand- what I'm discovering however, is that each of these individuals represent a quality of relationship that
A. I need to have (pete) but resist.
B. I desire to have (pete's cousin) but resist.
C. I continue to have (john) but resist.
The qualities listed above all have one thing in common. Resistance. Hence, the "I am at odds with myself" assessment. I am not ok with me. I am looking for explanations constantly and I set it up so I always loose. I am a victim of my own stories. I am in conflict with loving myself unconditionally and I am afraid of being intimate with myself on every level.
Outside looking in, you may have dialed into this truth on a subconscious level and might be in agreement with me. On the other hand, some look at me and see how I am dressed and disagree. I look good on the outside. I am pretty. I appear happy. I am very friendly. I am smart to an extent. I am funny and I laugh a lot. These are all comments from other people when I have revealed my recent conclusion.
In fact, some have argued and said, 'but you're so confident' and worse, 'you're in love!!'
It seems that all of the disparate components of this simple predicament don't add up in people's minds. How, they ask, could it be that a person like me, would be in conflict with myself or better yet, with others? Why do I choose to ruminate about my ex boyfriend and fantasize about others (pete & cousin)? Why not just choose to be happy and be done with it? Happiness is in fact, "a choice", I've heard... and all I have to do is make that choice! Well, as it turns out, happiness is really a choice, however it's a moment by moment choice. It's not a linear experience where I make a decision and I live happily ever after. Plus, I am also being governed by other, more subconscious impulses. There are some built in mechanisms taking place in my brain and I have no control over when they prompt a hostile take over, I only have a choice as to how long each episode will last.
I assigned myself only one job- and that is to be aware of how each episode unfolds and note each duration. As I've been spending the majority of my free time with myself, I've been able to do just that. In the practice of watching my process I have been able to isolate just how and why I do what I do. With the help of the books and audio books I was able to break it down to my most basic human traits and arrive at the same conclusion over and over again and again.
Basically, as it turns out, everything is working in perfect order. My brain needs answers and typically, it looks for them in my memory. It pulls data from the database and generates a story. My faculties are not advanced enough to where I have mastered the discipline of directing my thinking to my liking, so I ask for help as the thoughts begin to form. Usually by then, my thinking brain has already drawn some pretty generic conclusions about my so called 'self' and they're usually not new or exciting ideas. They are mean in nature. This begins the cycle, where my feeling brain is impacted and I, not liking 'bad feelings' leave my 'self' and look for other ways of self soothing. That's about when I become defensive and look for blame. It's usually John who is at fault and I attack him and then I catch myself in that pattern. Fantasies kick in and there you are-- the pattern has already emerged. It's only been 2 minutes and I've come in and out of this trace. My heart rate is high up and my breathing is shallow. The help I asked for showed up too late. I've already plotted my suicide- that's not true. I only thought I plotted my suicide.. There it is! My life is all in my head. That's what they mean when they say it's all about perspective (perception) WOW!
So, I have to change the story? - I have to find a new way to exist besides living in my head and in my thoughts? Yes! That's my life's work. That's what the guru's, books and audio books are telling me and I really understand. Now I need to know just How to go about in living in my heart. That is the question. I guess the point of this post is merely to report that I get the 'Why' my brain does what it does.
So... what's the relationship between my dreams and the break-up? Well, as I mentioned, I have been reading a lot and listening to audio books. I've been conducting further investigation on the topic of human behavior with regards to "love." I have spent a few years in therapy, with and without John- I am also exposed to more non-conventional forms of looking at life by way of 'recovery' and 'spirituality'- and yet, I feel as though this pattern that I continue to call in, seems out of context.
Why, if I am so aware, so willing to grow, so guided by a power greater than myself, do I continually engage and disengage from this particular relationship that is so evidently destructive? What is it about this particular person that draws me in and makes me want more? Well, what I have come to understand very clearly is that I am in the process of developing a relationship with myself. At least, that's the most simple way for me to put it. In other words, Pete is an archetype and John is an archetype too. They each represent parts of myself. I have been at odds with each of them my entire life, in one way or another. Furthermore, Pete's cousin, is also an archetype. None of my archetypes have anything to do with the real people. I may not even know them for who each of them really is! I have met John and Pete and his cousin, yes. I have engaged with them and I have some knowledge about each of them that separates one from the other. There are some glaring differences between each of them that I can recognize, discern and understand- what I'm discovering however, is that each of these individuals represent a quality of relationship that
A. I need to have (pete) but resist.
B. I desire to have (pete's cousin) but resist.
C. I continue to have (john) but resist.
The qualities listed above all have one thing in common. Resistance. Hence, the "I am at odds with myself" assessment. I am not ok with me. I am looking for explanations constantly and I set it up so I always loose. I am a victim of my own stories. I am in conflict with loving myself unconditionally and I am afraid of being intimate with myself on every level.
Outside looking in, you may have dialed into this truth on a subconscious level and might be in agreement with me. On the other hand, some look at me and see how I am dressed and disagree. I look good on the outside. I am pretty. I appear happy. I am very friendly. I am smart to an extent. I am funny and I laugh a lot. These are all comments from other people when I have revealed my recent conclusion.
In fact, some have argued and said, 'but you're so confident' and worse, 'you're in love!!'
It seems that all of the disparate components of this simple predicament don't add up in people's minds. How, they ask, could it be that a person like me, would be in conflict with myself or better yet, with others? Why do I choose to ruminate about my ex boyfriend and fantasize about others (pete & cousin)? Why not just choose to be happy and be done with it? Happiness is in fact, "a choice", I've heard... and all I have to do is make that choice! Well, as it turns out, happiness is really a choice, however it's a moment by moment choice. It's not a linear experience where I make a decision and I live happily ever after. Plus, I am also being governed by other, more subconscious impulses. There are some built in mechanisms taking place in my brain and I have no control over when they prompt a hostile take over, I only have a choice as to how long each episode will last.
I assigned myself only one job- and that is to be aware of how each episode unfolds and note each duration. As I've been spending the majority of my free time with myself, I've been able to do just that. In the practice of watching my process I have been able to isolate just how and why I do what I do. With the help of the books and audio books I was able to break it down to my most basic human traits and arrive at the same conclusion over and over again and again.
Basically, as it turns out, everything is working in perfect order. My brain needs answers and typically, it looks for them in my memory. It pulls data from the database and generates a story. My faculties are not advanced enough to where I have mastered the discipline of directing my thinking to my liking, so I ask for help as the thoughts begin to form. Usually by then, my thinking brain has already drawn some pretty generic conclusions about my so called 'self' and they're usually not new or exciting ideas. They are mean in nature. This begins the cycle, where my feeling brain is impacted and I, not liking 'bad feelings' leave my 'self' and look for other ways of self soothing. That's about when I become defensive and look for blame. It's usually John who is at fault and I attack him and then I catch myself in that pattern. Fantasies kick in and there you are-- the pattern has already emerged. It's only been 2 minutes and I've come in and out of this trace. My heart rate is high up and my breathing is shallow. The help I asked for showed up too late. I've already plotted my suicide- that's not true. I only thought I plotted my suicide.. There it is! My life is all in my head. That's what they mean when they say it's all about perspective (perception) WOW!
So, I have to change the story? - I have to find a new way to exist besides living in my head and in my thoughts? Yes! That's my life's work. That's what the guru's, books and audio books are telling me and I really understand. Now I need to know just How to go about in living in my heart. That is the question. I guess the point of this post is merely to report that I get the 'Why' my brain does what it does.
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