notice the lapse.

time is moving faster now. i stay up late and it's ok. i wake up happy. i do things slowly. i am not in my routine and it's slightly off balance and i'm ok. i have no complaints. i take a pause to notice my surroundings and i approve. those who try to reach me, have an easy time because there aren't many. the transition into 2011 was seamless and i'm grateful beyond belief. what's with the new tone? why am i so happy? isn't the other shoe going to drop? well, it already did and i lived. in fact, it was the most underwhelming experience of my entire life. i am not really sure if it was so gradual and subtle that i didn't hear it when it came crashing down or if maybe i was so determined to climb out of my condition that it didn't phase me (yet) who knows? who cares? i'm not trying to control the uncontrollable and the uncontrollable doesn't have control over me. i'm not doing anything to make myself be where i am. i'm not trying to be present, i just am. i'm not eating right, seeking god, praying for them, generating positive vibes, reading self help books, writing new songs, looking for a fix. i am simply in my total illusion of reality and enjoying the daydreams and laughing at the absurdity of life because it's both funny and entertaining. i should also say that for the record, nothing is going my way. i have plans! plans of how my life should look and feel and nothing, is according to plan. people don't cooperate, places aren't supportive, nobody is listening to me...! i get frustrated and it passes. all of it passes rather quickly. if it lingers and i watch it linger, time slows down and i follow it with my breath. it can get really psychedelic in there. i can almost taste the flow of oxytocin through my veins and i understand at that very moment that it's just the state i'm in.