don't know

i don't know but i want to know. i don't know but i should know. i don't know but i think i know. i don't know and i don't know what that is that i don't know. if this sounds familiar, then i'm not alone and that makes me feel a little bit better. feeling better is necessary for me right now. i've been depressed again. things are changing and they're changing too fast for me to keep up with the changes. i'm not in control and it's all really huge obstacle for my body and my mind and my immune system. i am getting sick again. this all sounds like bad news- i know- but it's not- it's not because i don't know why it's happening this fast and i don't know what is going to happen next- and i when i'm okay with not knowing, i'm happier- open and less fixated on my opinions about stuff. which by the way, i have many of those. i think i know so much more than i actually do and what is worse, i keep thinking that knowing more about what i already know will be useful- in reality, it's the cause of my current state of mind- which is far from serene. in my writing i concluded that the needing to know was the problem. the cultivating of acceptance in not knowing is actually the best suggestion passed along to me by someone really wise. for today i don't have to make decisions about anything. i only get to show up as best i can- and send everyone love while i'm at it.