littlemaniac

don't know

2011-03-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

i don't know but i want to know. i don't know but i should know. i don't know but i think i know. i don't know and i don't know what that is that i don't know. if this sounds familiar, then i'm not alone and that makes me feel a little bit better. feeling better is necessary for me right now. i've been depressed again. things are changing and they're changing too fast for me to keep up with the changes. i'm not in control and it's all really huge obstacle for my body and my mind and my immune system. i am getting sick again. this all sounds like bad news- i know- but it's not- it's not because i don't know why it's happening this fast and i don't know what is going to happen next- and i when i'm okay with not knowing, i'm happier- open and less fixated on my opinions about stuff. which by the way, i have many of those. i think i know so much more than i actually do and what is worse, i keep thinking that knowing more about what i already know will be useful- in reality, it's the cause of my current state of mind- which is far from serene. in my writing i concluded that the needing to know was the problem. the cultivating of acceptance in not knowing is actually the best suggestion passed along to me by someone really wise. for today i don't have to make decisions about anything. i only get to show up as best i can- and send everyone love while i'm at it.

nowhere to go

2011-02-25T20:04:00.000-08:00

I often need to be reminded that my process is my own and i need not judge it, as it serves no purpose. i also really pay mind to honoring my place and being exactly where i may find myself in whatever moment that is. whether I'm contracting or expanding. either positive or negative emotions come up- and i pay attention and observe. i check in with my body and trace the root of the feelings. my entire physiological experience, then takes the space to do whatever it chooses and that is that. tonight though, after a long meditation, i had an intuitive thought-more like a reminder, but kind of like an awareness. i can even go as far as to say that some bit of information was realized in such a way that it raised my level of consciousness to a higher degree. on the surface i already knew this information but it became acutely evident that knowing can always take a deeper connotation when it's actualized in the physical sense. the truth is, let's say- for that moment, made a cameo appearance in my range of vision and i understood for once that i have no where to go. yes, it's true- we're on a path- it's yours and mine and we share the road and we get separated but in the grand scheme of it all- we're not going anywhere. life is fleeting and people enter and exit- we rise and fall and expand and contract and there is activity and energy flowing and there are agreements and disagreements but ultimately we have have no where to go. no destination. sure it's cyclical in form and the momentum creates phases, giving rise to evolution and devolution- transition and consistency- normalcy and disturbances but really- here it is. this is it. there is no end and no beginning and we're all just in one big sphere of light and dark and hot and cold and there is a prism and a range in between the coordinates but it's all meaningless and in the big picture we're just tiny little dots.

nothing changed but everything is different

2011-02-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

some of the details of my life are in varying degrees of dissolution- i'm raising the bar. no, i've raised the bar. things have shifted into a new perspective and new experiences continue to emerge. people come and people go- the cyclical nature of my patterns is evident. yet, i mourn no loss. from a distance, i commemorate those who i won't engage with anymore. i did have a burst of an ache in my chest today as i thought of suzie vleck- she brought some smiles and a tiny bit of nostalgia as the memory of her passed through my sphere. other than that- there is a considerable amount of space between me and the previous primary figures in my life and though i sense them in the substratum of my days, they're merely in recollections that descend and ascend and fly away swiftly. for the first time ever i think, i can discern between who i want to invite in and those i choose to release-it's because i love myself and maybe just because. see, my mind lives in my heart, when i can help it. gratefully, my brain does much of the work to keep my faculties in tact. also, i'm riding on higher doses of serotonin, peace and serenity visit more than ever and i'm allowing myself to enjoy every minute of it. i started a new job. that's exciting! my days are filled with constructive plans that i execute so that another individual can focus on her creative expansion. she is wonderful. she is sensible and smart and we share similar traits. we are compatible. i hear her, she hears me and i get paid to be me. i'm happy.

what is what

2011-01-28T22:33:00.000-08:00

i exist in dreamlike dimension, where reality is based on objective perceptions that are merely fleeting illusions. the facts hide from my vision and what i see that remains are mostly opinions. theories exposed to me as truths and i resist what is real and allow what is false. there's nothing existential about my condition, though that's how it registers. words don't make any sense unless i'm actually paying attention. there is no linear explanation for these moments that are all tied into the span of a very long day. subjective assessments form a shape of normalcy while maintaining an abstract capacity. confusion and cohesion go hand in hand and i feel a sense of purpose in it all. though purpose is not feeling, it's a state of mind.
the various stages of this development are easiest to comprehend when i refer to those who have spent entire lifetimes documenting their own process. beliefs and ideas seem immaterial at times because what matters most to me the nature of their expression. my resources are not limited and i'm seeing that clearly now. i have chosen every second of my state but i have yet to master it. so much discipline must be in place and my skill level is that of a feral cat. useful in some respects but quite counter productive in others. i'm easily distracted. it's become rather apparent just how destructive i can be. only one thing, it seems can correct my tendencies and that is focus. meditation helps with that.

over exposed and askew

2011-01-25T18:22:00.001-08:00

no amount of honesty within each entry will overthrow self judgment or potential regret . I've come to experience the wide range of emotions that arise after each declaration. Even if it's a passing thought or a supposition, my mind second guesses each contribution and negates all validity. if this is what it means to be a writer, then i'm glad i'm not choosing to become one. i am doing this all for fun.

I had aspirations of becoming a writer when I was much younger. I had so many stories to tell.....

settings and preferences

2011-01-20T19:10:00.000-08:00

i'm here. haven't left. decided to re-visit this blog once again. not sure i can actually make a clean separation. lately it's been all about separation for me. coincidentally, i'm allowing the universe to steer me in whatever direction i'm meant to be in. i don't know half the time if i'm actually supposed to be doing what i'm doing when i'm doing it but i'm pretty familiar with the misery that only resistance brings.

so, as natasha mentioned, life is fabulous and it's hard not to see it when it's glaring in my face. although, i have been down about certain separations that were necessary, on the other hand, my world continually opens up everyday with new people to meet and new experiences to be had.
the picture to the right is an image that my friend Nigel made after he took a photo of my tattoo! Isn't it sweet? well, i agree. between him and a few other friends who i am grateful for, i have much to be happy about.

those that have currently fallen away have also presented me with the opportunity to see myself from different angles. i'm seeing those unfavorable personality characteristics that are revealed through interactions with some people and it makes me a little sad, i have to say. whether or not this is true or false, i am convinced that i am of greater service to said people by making an exit from their lives, rather than staying. not to say that the decisions are permanent. in fact, i'm not in the habit of cutting people off and out. especially at this stage in my life! however, my sole intention is to get really honest with myself about my expectations of others. basically, if i continually find that the people i am engaging with, let me down in one way or another, it's up to me to change- not them. sometimes that change requires that i give myself space and time to let go of my excessive demands and not make others accountable for how i feel. so in a sense i'm going through a massive purification process and it's a little challenging, but it's also bringing a lot of perspective. the narrow views that make me at odds with those around me have a way of bubbling to the surface and i'm super happy to be able to identify them.

Welcome Elle's fabulous life~!

2011-01-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Natasha was not happy to hear that this blog is primarily dedicated to discussions regarding heartbreak, emotional processes and psychological pathologies. In her opinion, and I trust her opinion very much, I should be writing about my fabulous life! She suggested I abandon this blog all together. The thought of moving in a different direction sounds fantastic, except that I am not so sure that I will have sufficient content. I mean, between here and facebook, there is already enough for me to sort through. It's bad enough that my friend Nick gently pointed out to me that I am one of those annoying facebook users that clogs the news feed with my nonsense all day long. No, my feelings aren't hurt by that. Nick makes a good point. I am aware that I spend too much time facebooking and I plan to make an exist soon. It's just that for now, I love numbing out on facebook. I've been a bit manic and obsessive and I like the fact that facebook is a legal drug that encourages me to feed my ego and narcissism all day long.. Although Nick makes a valid point, I simply don't agree that anyone is actually paying attention to me. I mean, and if they are, they can either read my posts, watch my videos or just 'hide' my feed! Others have options and I do too! Well, how we got in the topic of facebook is beyond me, so I guess I will now conclude with my original point... I'll be starting a new, different blog- which I will maintain on a regular basis. and the point of that new endeavor is to commemorate my fabulous life. no pressure.

on contraction and expansion

2011-01-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

Meditation called my attention today after another familiar collision with the rise of intense discomfort. A state so familiar to me that the time to sit quietly and pay attention to the my body was inevitable. It was no surprise to me that the contraction in my chest was immediately relieved when I began to investigate the sensations. Expansions came about in slower frequencies and I as sat and observed the flow, I was distracted by an abiding mental talk. I shifted my focus towards the physical experience again and again. There were numerous instances where the mental talk aggressively interrupted my focus and I was able to remain unswayed. I sat for only 20 minutes and I ended up drifting into sleep. It must have been a much needed nap. I woke up and was reminded once again of the tormenting scenario that had unfolded before me prior to meditating. My interpretations of the meaning behind each word heard and said, formed fixed ideas from which I was able to identify and release with the help of writing and reaching out to a friend. In the midst of the conflict, I also prayed for clarity. This entire process, by which I was tempted to feel sorry for myself and blame another person for my state, was disarmed and suspended. I was able to move through the remainder of my day, totally aware of the underlying heart ache that comes with such interactions, and go about my life without isolating. I had a great time with friends and was able to laugh and be present to those around me. The pleasure that comes from these breakthroughs is worth every moment. Now if I can only muster the confidence to be honest with those who have been at the receiving end of my lack of trust and unpleasant interactions.

notice the lapse.

2011-01-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

time is moving faster now. i stay up late and it's ok. i wake up happy. i do things slowly. i am not in my routine and it's slightly off balance and i'm ok. i have no complaints. i take a pause to notice my surroundings and i approve. those who try to reach me, have an easy time because there aren't many. the transition into 2011 was seamless and i'm grateful beyond belief. what's with the new tone? why am i so happy? isn't the other shoe going to drop? well, it already did and i lived. in fact, it was the most underwhelming experience of my entire life. i am not really sure if it was so gradual and subtle that i didn't hear it when it came crashing down or if maybe i was so determined to climb out of my condition that it didn't phase me (yet) who knows? who cares? i'm not trying to control the uncontrollable and the uncontrollable doesn't have control over me. i'm not doing anything to make myself be where i am. i'm not trying to be present, i just am. i'm not eating right, seeking god, praying for them, generating positive vibes, reading self help books, writing new songs, looking for a fix. i am simply in my total illusion of reality and enjoying the daydreams and laughing at the absurdity of life because it's both funny and entertaining. i should also say that for the record, nothing is going my way. i have plans! plans of how my life should look and feel and nothing, is according to plan. people don't cooperate, places aren't supportive, nobody is listening to me...! i get frustrated and it passes. all of it passes rather quickly. if it lingers and i watch it linger, time slows down and i follow it with my breath. it can get really psychedelic in there. i can almost taste the flow of oxytocin through my veins and i understand at that very moment that it's just the state i'm in.

pure as the driven snow

2010-12-26T22:16:00.001-08:00

I arrived from New Jersey today. I'm snowed in. Literally. The entrance to my building was covered in snow. It's been interesting to learn all the strange nuances that go with living in a city that is unprepared to handle such severe weather conditions. The trains I normally take in and out of Manhattan were all shut down- luckily there are other options near by, but they take longer and drop off far away. Nevertheless, I love NYC and I am happy to be here to have this experience. I will just need to find some snow boots and a hat.

Went where the love is.

2010-12-25T22:19:00.000-08:00

I wasn't expecting my friend to invite me to celebrate Christmas with his family. I didn't have plans to go anywhere and in the weeks leading up to my birthday and Christmas, I was weary of this day. When I read his invitation, I jumped of my seat in excitement. I was taken by surprise and there was a remarkable difference in my mood. This raised concern on my part, as I am trying not be at the whim of outside conditions to determine my mood. However, this was such a nice surprise that I allowed myself to give and receive.

The experience turned out to be one of my favorite Christmas / Birthday celebrations ever. I was surrounded by a family that I met for the first time. He is a friend. We get along. It's safe to say I loved his family and they loved me. He thought it was apropos that I'd be in heaven with the amount of unconditional love shown to me by his family. I agree, I felt very blessed.

i set my mind to work on my thoughts and the results came back negative.

2010-12-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

A wise person once said, you can't fix the problem at the level of the problem.

broken brain can't fix broken brain. is my brain broken? well sometimes it sure seems that way. i get caught in the moment of despair or the elated excitement of great instances. there, i create meaning. the meaning eludes me. it seems that i generate some seemingly useless material. at the end of the day none of it lasts. i can gather negative ideas though. a collection of them. they exist in my brain. they loop around and around. much like facebooks 'top stories' or 'most recent' on the 'feed', my thoughts operate in a similar fashion. i select one of two functions and next thing I know, i am in a world of pain. a pain i can't dig out with the same brain that contains the pain. the parts of my cerebral cortex that send a rescue team out to the 'sympathetic nervous system' or the 'reptilian brain' are disabled permanently and it's necessary for me to talk to someone or read something or listen to another- sometimes i feel my body and see where the 'feelings' live and understand how they 'feel.' the sensations must be somewhere inside- so i try to find them and examine them by feeling and locating them. so much of that is an old practice that i've abandoned since moving to nyc. it's called 'mindfulness' in the new agey collectives- those who practice meditation would understand. i, however am not meditating so much so i find that getting lost in my thoughts is easier and so getting out is harder. trying to think my way out it isn't working and that's my most recent finding.

connect the dots

2010-12-16T07:18:00.000-08:00

A psychologist suggested I volunteer as a case study for additional treatment of my codependency. She said I needed help. I'd spoken to her at length about my involvement with John. I revealed the details of this obsessive enmeshment and asked her for professional feedback/opinion/suggestion. I am not her patient. We have mutual friends in common and we randomly bumped into each other at an event. She was kind enough to accompany me to a coffee shop. There she listened to me talk about me and about John and about John & I- for what felt like hours. I took her advice and read "Desire" by Susan Cheever. "Codependent no more" had been recommended by other friends (countless times) and I finally purchased the audio cd's and listened. Both resources were super helpful and I definitely feel more willing than ever to continue and avail myself of the help that exists.

The best way to lock in an evaluation at Columbia University and NYU, is to prove that I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Yikes! I seem to recall an instance where John was told by our couples therapist that I suffered from that. Maybe he even recommended a book for me to read. I forget..? At this time, I'm still waiting to hear back to see if they're able to accept my participation.

I found myself searching the Clinical Trials Website posts for additional studies conducted in New York. As I scanned the interminable logs, I miraculously found a 'Premenstrual Syndrome' listing! This was a revelatory find. Not because I was ignorant of the fact that my pms was one of the root causes the emotional instability that seemed to drive the drama between John and I-- I mean, I had some knowledge in the matter. In fact, it was an obvious and important detail that we both took into account on numerous occasions. What was illuminated to me from this study, is that this is a true, honest to god, problem! It's not a concept that we manufactured in our brains to let me off the hook for raging behavior. (which is something I've suspected all along) A wave of relief washed over me when I read the detail description below:

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). PMDD affects nearly 5 percent of menstruating women in the United States. This disorder is very disruptive and can affect a woman's performance at work and her relationships with friends and family. Symptoms typically occur 10 to 14 days before the start of a woman's period and dissipate soon after. Sadness, rapid changes in mood, anxiety, and irritability are common symptoms associated with PMDD.

clinicaltrials.gov

Although I feel as though I've turned a corner in the last few days, I am not ignorant to the cyclical nature of these experiences. I'd like to conclude this blog with 'the notion that I lived happily ever after' and kick off the following post on a new topic. But we'll see when that actually happens.... Feelings, opinions and thoughts are always changing. However, the process of healing is not one I can expedite according to my schedule. I just get to be in this continuous process of learning and growing.

goodbye anger- hello life!

2010-12-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

i had a long talk with my roommates friend last night. i needed to know what he thought about my latest quest to rid my self of the anger that dominates my existence. he said that i'd be able to expel it as soon as i saw that it's not serving me. duh! i know that already. then he told me to ask for the anger to be lifted. he's not in recovery, in fact, i think he was drunk- but that sounds like what i hear from other folks. i also do a lot of reading and writing to get clear and get well and all that. i am just looking for alternative measures. i have listened to enough eckhart tolle to know that i just have to be aware of my painbody when it emerges. i know that seeing it for what it is, is the solution to disempowering it. 'it's not good or bad, it just is' he says. i guess i'm hoping to discover a secret 'eject' button. it appears that the answer is the same no matter what though-, it's about me and my inside job. another suggestion was that i stay away from negative people. i told him that I AM, the 'negative people' and he seemed disturbed by that. i consulted him only because he claims to be able to see spirits and feel energy. naturally i wanted him to tell me if my demons were visible to him. he said he doesn't really like to 'look.' well.. then !? ok.it's a good thing I took his suggestion to ask for the anger to be removed because today feel like i'm getting past the point of wanting anything to be different. i like that! Today happiness rose- and for no reason at all. Freedom is allowing me to carry on with my day today and do the things i need to do. I feel a little more free and a little more serene and more peaceful and all that. Independent of conditions. They're the same. Nothing is different today from yesterday-- Yet- I feel good. Not that feeling good is superior to feeling bad- they both serve a purpose, but as Alan Watts would say, 'you can't have the negative without the positive'.

a big experimental batch of dominant micro expressions

2010-12-15T11:10:00.000-08:00

i am electing to employ voluntary thinking functions as a means to suppress the involuntary emotional outbursts that randomly emerge. it's a system by which emotions that arise in explosive expression, pass through, provided as I am cognizant that they are meant to heal me- not hurt me. wallowing is then shortened and i remain grounded. with enough awareness of what distorted thinking sounds like, i can zap the trail of morbid story telling before it flourishes into a big giant ball of knotted emotions that only exacerbate suffering. the hindering of these thoughts creates a chain reaction and thus allows me to also live in the space between emotion and thoughts. i believe this type of thinking is referred to as 'disciplined' or 'deliberate'. this is process requires repetitive practice and don't often do it perfectly , in fact, sometimes i forget about it. so far when i have been able to remember to let go of the narrative and allow the feelings to dissolve, the results have been incredible.

i did and then i didn't.

2010-12-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

something really stubborn about my passion that comes to view everything as really urgent. nothing matters- that's really the best way for me to come back to the earth. it's not to be cynical or sarcastic. it's just that really- in the moment when it counts, like now- nothing matters. i'm all tangled up about the recent revelations that i posted yesterday. my need to be vulnerable and imperfect and real is not easy. i'd be satisfied committing to a single claim and working my way in, through your hearts, but that's just not going to work for me. my process involves contradictions, lot's of paradoxes, insights and many many more absurdities. I know, I know, I run the risk of being nominated for the next best blogger or getting an audience that 'follows' me but that's fine by me. I'm just here to write whatever is current and sometimes that's messy and incoherent with some redundant thought patterns and strange inconsistencies. typographical errors can be remedied but grammar is a little more challenging.
ok, so i was obsessing about yesterdays post. i was afraid that if anyone who knows me that read my post might tell my ex about what they interpreted based on my writing. and so i was going to delete it. but then i didn't. i don't really need to worry because A. it doesn't matter. B. it doesn't matter and c.-- ok, you know where this is going. the fact of the matter is that i'm sad and i'm sick of being sad. my brain does it's thing and my heart is angry. it's my job to tend to my heart and protect it by allowing it to open but these days it's like prying it open. so anyway, the idea that i only think of awful things regarding this person is ok. it's a way for me to keep him away from entering my sphere ever again. i'm in too much pain to try to forget it just so i can be the bigger, the more spiritually evolved one in this- i'll let him be compassionate and soft- he can do all that work for him, meanwhile I just deal with my love of self. basically, i'm assuming. i don't know what the f- he is feeling but i can guarantee you that he is doing more productive things with his time than posting on blogs that noone will ever read. it doesn't matter.

inconclusive conclusion

2010-12-13T08:04:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night. Pete was in it.

This is the second dream I've had where Pete comes to visit me. In reality, Pete and I were best friends from 1st through 4th grade. He and I stayed out all day long. We played football and baseball and swam in the pool. He was like my brother and we were the same age. Recently we were re-untied on Facebook and we exchanged a few short e-mails. During high school we drifted apart but stayed friendly. We never had any romantic involvements. I had a crush on his cousin whose name I don't remember. I have memories of his cousin being aggressive and mean. I liked him for those reasons. Pete was sweet and caring and I felt safe around him but even at a young age, I was attracted to boys with bad attitudes. The thing about his cousin that stands out to me is that his cousin really liked me. He would flirt and hurl perverted comments about me and he made sure I could hear him! I can remember the adrenaline rush that I felt around Pete's cousin. I would anticipate his weekend visits and wanted to be invited with the boys but I don't have any recollections of ever coming along. I remained at the bottom of the stairs where I would knock on Kris's (Krissie's) door to see if she'd be willing to play with me instead. She lived in the apartment just below me and typically, she and her sister were in the middle of sibling rivalry and she'd run out crying and we'd go to the park and play until Pete and his cousin returned. Then we'd start all over again- bickering, fighting, laughing.

In my dream, Pete shows up now, as an adult and he is warm and sweet as he always was and we are reunited- he doesn't leave, he is here for good he just fades into the background until I wake up. Then I am reminded that it was just a dream and I am left with that feeling of safety and security, coupled with a trace of sadness that he is not in my life. He stays with me throughout the day, however and I begin to long for that quality of companionship in my life. I am reminded of my friends.
Today I have a friend who is very close to me. He is sweet and caring like Pete. He is thoughtful and considerate and listens to me. I suspect he is a better friend to me, than I am to him. We average several dinners a week. There is no romance there either, only an authentic interaction between two adults. I am struck by how lucky I am to have people in my life that accept and love me.

Concurrently, I'm in the process of recovering from a long term relationship that has finally dissolved. The break-up has been occupying my brain longer than I'd like to admit. The relationship was a typical 'on /off' type scenario. Fueled by toxicity and drama (as most usually are). Of love, safety and companionship, I can't account for either. I also can't seem to recall a single experience with this man, where I rested in a state of warmth and hope at length. On the contrary, I only recall bitter arguments, loud words, fear, manipulation and anxiety. As my mind scrambles to find a reason for this union and re-union, I am bewildered. I become yet more angry at the sight of yet still more unrest between us. The details of my experience with John (the ex) seem irrelevant to me now. However, the stories relentlessly persist to get my attention. I become tired. I am exhausted from giving these thoughts any credence. The reminder that I am no longer with this person is of no consolation to me either. Part of what has been revealed to me over and over again is that he is not accountable for my state of being- one way or another. Yet, this insight doesn't help to quell that anger that resides in me. I also have a deep understanding that my brain is on auto pilot and it's primary job is to make sense of my feelings and that is why it makes up stories. These stories introduce an antagonist and a protagonist. One is he and I am the other. We switch roles- back and forth we go. I am bad and he is good, he is bad and I am good. I start out being good but I turn bad when he does this or the other TO ME and I then I did this and that-you get the idea! --and that is why it is the way it is. The narrative continues, I say more mean things to him out loud and he responds in such a way that makes me feel this-that and the other. The dialogue goes on and on and on. I've learned to summon my inner referee and disperse these thoughts in the direction of NOW. Bringing my awareness to what is happening outside my brain and paying attention to the present moment is the best way for me to distract myself from my-self. I learned to track my thoughts and feelings in meditation a few years ago. I learned to lean into my feelings and detach from the thoughts. These days it's a full time job. I am at the point where I have many books that keep my mind occupied and I have also collected enough audio books so I'd have something useful to listen to when I am in the throws of that self created darkness.

So... what's the relationship between my dreams and the break-up? Well, as I mentioned, I have been reading a lot and listening to audio books. I've been conducting further investigation on the topic of human behavior with regards to "love." I have spent a few years in therapy, with and without John- I am also exposed to more non-conventional forms of looking at life by way of 'recovery' and 'spirituality'- and yet, I feel as though this pattern that I continue to call in, seems out of context.

Why, if I am so aware, so willing to grow, so guided by a power greater than myself, do I continually engage and disengage from this particular relationship that is so evidently destructive? What is it about this particular person that draws me in and makes me want more? Well, what I have come to understand very clearly is that I am in the process of developing a relationship with myself. At least, that's the most simple way for me to put it. In other words, Pete is an archetype and John is an archetype too. They each represent parts of myself. I have been at odds with each of them my entire life, in one way or another. Furthermore, Pete's cousin, is also an archetype. None of my archetypes have anything to do with the real people. I may not even know them for who each of them really is! I have met John and Pete and his cousin, yes. I have engaged with them and I have some knowledge about each of them that separates one from the other. There are some glaring differences between each of them that I can recognize, discern and understand- what I'm discovering however, is that each of these individuals represent a quality of relationship that
A. I need to have (pete) but resist.
B. I desire to have (pete's cousin) but resist.
C. I continue to have (john) but resist.

The qualities listed above all have one thing in common. Resistance. Hence, the "I am at odds with myself" assessment. I am not ok with me. I am looking for explanations constantly and I set it up so I always loose. I am a victim of my own stories. I am in conflict with loving myself unconditionally and I am afraid of being intimate with myself on every level.

Outside looking in, you may have dialed into this truth on a subconscious level and might be in agreement with me. On the other hand, some look at me and see how I am dressed and disagree. I look good on the outside. I am pretty. I appear happy. I am very friendly. I am smart to an extent. I am funny and I laugh a lot. These are all comments from other people when I have revealed my recent conclusion.

In fact, some have argued and said, 'but you're so confident' and worse, 'you're in love!!'
It seems that all of the disparate components of this simple predicament don't add up in people's minds. How, they ask, could it be that a person like me, would be in conflict with myself or better yet, with others? Why do I choose to ruminate about my ex boyfriend and fantasize about others (pete & cousin)? Why not just choose to be happy and be done with it? Happiness is in fact, "a choice", I've heard... and all I have to do is make that choice! Well, as it turns out, happiness is really a choice, however it's a moment by moment choice. It's not a linear experience where I make a decision and I live happily ever after. Plus, I am also being governed by other, more subconscious impulses. There are some built in mechanisms taking place in my brain and I have no control over when they prompt a hostile take over, I only have a choice as to how long each episode will last.

I assigned myself only one job- and that is to be aware of how each episode unfolds and note each duration. As I've been spending the majority of my free time with myself, I've been able to do just that. In the practice of watching my process I have been able to isolate just how and why I do what I do. With the help of the books and audio books I was able to break it down to my most basic human traits and arrive at the same conclusion over and over again and again.

Basically, as it turns out, everything is working in perfect order. My brain needs answers and typically, it looks for them in my memory. It pulls data from the database and generates a story. My faculties are not advanced enough to where I have mastered the discipline of directing my thinking to my liking, so I ask for help as the thoughts begin to form. Usually by then, my thinking brain has already drawn some pretty generic conclusions about my so called 'self' and they're usually not new or exciting ideas. They are mean in nature. This begins the cycle, where my feeling brain is impacted and I, not liking 'bad feelings' leave my 'self' and look for other ways of self soothing. That's about when I become defensive and look for blame. It's usually John who is at fault and I attack him and then I catch myself in that pattern. Fantasies kick in and there you are-- the pattern has already emerged. It's only been 2 minutes and I've come in and out of this trace. My heart rate is high up and my breathing is shallow. The help I asked for showed up too late. I've already plotted my suicide- that's not true. I only thought I plotted my suicide.. There it is! My life is all in my head. That's what they mean when they say it's all about perspective (perception) WOW!

So, I have to change the story? - I have to find a new way to exist besides living in my head and in my thoughts? Yes! That's my life's work. That's what the guru's, books and audio books are telling me and I really understand. Now I need to know just How to go about in living in my heart. That is the question. I guess the point of this post is merely to report that I get the 'Why' my brain does what it does.

in through the out door

2010-03-25T15:55:00.001-07:00

Leaving people and things behind is one thing and leaving people and things forward is another. I think I see which way is up and can tell the difference between right and wrong. But if I'm wrong about what's right then how can I tell one from the other? In other words, I don't know anything. I'm finally very clear on that. I started to consult people who may or may not know what they're talking about regarding my situations (all of them) and I've commenced to take clear cut direction. One said 'leave him cold turkey' and I did. The other said, 'don't go back' and 'don't quit your job', 'take a trip' and I'm following all of it. Every word. Perhaps it's a little impulsive. Maybe I should really reconsider the context but I think I've exhausted every resource already and so I'm just going with the wisdom of others who have moved away from difficulties in a way that I was unwilling to commit to.

Inconsequential

2010-03-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a year since my last post. Much has changed. I find myself in a peculiar state. Unlike the spiritually driven aspirations from before. Today I am a little more conflicted and a little more resistant and a little more troubled. Overall I am not harboring many resentments, nor am I in a experiencing chronic anxiety. It is just that I know from reflecting on last years posts (though few) that my circumstances are not much different from then, and yet my attitude is that of disdain. I was optimistic, disciplined and willing.

Facing all directions

2009-04-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

I have set my intentions towards making a leap within my realm of existence, into a new dimension and so far, here's what I have discovered:

Practicing vipassana meditation for at least 20-30 minutes a day has calibrated the sensory clarity that allows me to dial into the underlying factors (listed below) that preclude my ability to remain conscious at all times.

fear
ego
jealousy
pride
ambition

Flashes of insights tend to be accompanied by a state of heightened concentration and / or emotion.

Cultivating non-dualistic perceptions, acquiesces infinite possibilities. This approach certainly hastens my ability to find evidence that every single situation I encounter is designed to provide an opportunity for me to heal and grow.

The pathway of development is non-linear and I, personally, can't cause it or destroy it. At times I may have been more evolved than others and yet, consequently all growth was the consequence of organic unfolding.

I am no longer invested in quantifying progress through the lens of a hard set of belief systems.

This remarkable shift in the paradigm of perception- has allowed me to serve my mind, rather than being a servant of my mind.

Invisible dimensions

2009-04-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

Changes brought upon by circumstances that felt horrible and unaceptable to me, have led me to find the freedom I am able experience today.

I can't say how or why I ended up here with certainty.
Strict speculation leads me to attribute my present state of being to my efforts towards personal development and what not, but in the end, I don't know. I really don't.

Going beyond my comfort zone has given rise to many insightful instances. My tendency to look back and engage memories or see ahead and induce fantasies, demonstrates just how often I solicit exchanges with the unfulfillable. I've discovered that my affinity with that quality of 'grasping', 'getting', or wanting, is primary rooted on familiar territory, where safety and security pretend to exist. As of late, when I ground myself in the present moment, it's always filled with more abundance than I can ever expect to extract from those memories or fantasies.

These lessons however, continue to lead me towards expansion and dis-identification from the notion of who I think I am or what I should be doing. I am learning to allow the passage of waves to persist in whatever form they choose. I love life.